Navigating grandparents: managing expectations and outdated advice with respect

It can be a huge relief to have grandparents involved, but it can also be incredibly frustrating when their "helpful" advice feels like criticism. This guide is about finding a respectful way to manage those expectations and navigate outdated advice, so you can protect your confidence and your relationship.

It is common to feel torn between gratitude for their help and exhaustion from having to defend your choices. You are tired, and when you hear things like, "We always put babies to sleep on their stomach", or "You are spoiling them by holding them so much", it can make you second-guess yourself or feel resentful. This is a normal, tricky new phase of your relationship, and you are not doing anything wrong by feeling this way.

A good first step is to try and separate what is a safety issue from what is a preference. For critical safety rules, like placing the baby on their back to sleep, you must be clear and firm. You can frame this as a non-negotiable by saying, "I know it's so different than when you did it, but this is the number one safety rule from our pediatrician, and we have to follow it". For other things that are just differences in style, you can try to "validate and pivot". You can say, "That's a really interesting idea. We are trying it this way for now, but I appreciate you sharing". This acknowledges their experience without starting a debate.

It also helps to proactively give grandparents a specific, important "job" that you are truly comfortable with. Asking them to be in charge of bath time, or to be the official story-reader, can make them feel valued and involved in a way that truly helps you. Sometimes, their advice is just their way of trying to connect and be useful in a situation where they are no longer in charge.

Remember to try and assume good intentions, even when the advice feels critical. However, if a boundary is repeatedly ignored, especially a safety one, it is okay to be more direct and say, "I am not comfortable with that, and I really need you to respect my decision". This is not about being unkind, but about being a clear and confident parent.

Navigating this new relationship is a process of finding a new balance as your family has grown. The goal is to find a way to honour their love while confidently establishing your own role.